It's ‘Notworking’: The Problem with Modern Networking

Networking is often hailed as essential for professional success, but what if it sometimes feels more like 'not working'? The term 'notworking' highlights the inefficiencies and discomfort that can come with traditional networking methods, revealing a significant problem in how we build professional relationships.

For decades, professionals have been bombarded with pedestrian advice about networking. "It's not who you know, it's who knows you," they say. "Get out there, shake hands, and kiss babies." However, these outdated strategies often lead to highly transactional interactions that feel more like a sales pitch than genuine relationship-building.

Think about the typical networking scene: professionals desperately dispensing business cards like grocery store coupons at a chamber of commerce event. It's an "icky" experience that reeks of insincerity—more snake oil than substance.

This approach to professional connections is riddled with myths and misconceptions. We're told to work the room, press the flesh, and collect as many contacts as possible. But is this really the most effective way to build meaningful professional relationships?

Let's explore why traditional networking often falls short and how we can transform these superficial interactions into valuable connections that truly benefit our careers and personal growth.

Why Networking is Not Working

Lack of Genuine Relationships

Traditional networking is failing us because it doesn't create real connections. When I attend these events, I see a room full of people who don't know why they're there. They're just following the advice to "network" without any real strategy or purpose.

This lack of intention shows in their interactions. They're superficial, rushed, and often painfully awkward. You can't build a meaningful relationship in a two-minute conversation about the weather while eyeing the room for someone "more important" to talk to.

I've started attending these events almost as an anthropologist would, observing the behaviors around me. What I see is concerning: people interrupting each other, talking with mouths full of food, and dispensing business cards like they're handing out flyers on a street corner.

The worst offense? When someone asks you a question, then scans the room while you're answering, clearly looking for their next target. It's not just rude; it's a clear sign that no real connection is being made.

This approach to networking is counterproductive. It wastes time, energy, and opportunities. We need to shift our focus from collecting contacts to building relationships. Quality over quantity. Depth over breadth. That's where the real value lies.

Misalignment of Goals and Values

One of the biggest issues I see in networking is a fundamental misalignment between what people are doing and what they actually need. Most folks show up to these events without a clue about why they're there. They're just following the herd, thinking, "I should network because that's what successful people do."

Every event you attend should have a purpose that aligns with your professional goals. There are really only two good reasons to go to any gathering: content and community. Either you're there to learn something valuable, or you're there to meet people who can help you grow professionally (or ideally, both).

Inability to Follow Up Meaningfully

One of the biggest pitfalls in networking is the follow-up, or rather, the lack thereof. People go to networking events, collect a stack of business cards, and then... nothing. Those potentially valuable connections just gather dust in a drawer or get lost in the digital abyss of your contact list.

Why does this happen? Because traditional networking encourages quantity over quality. You're told to "work the room," meet as many people as possible, and collect those cards like they're Pokemon. But if you can't follow up meaningfully, those contacts are worthless.

I've developed a strategy to combat this. If I attend an evening event, I deliberately keep my next morning free. This allows me to follow up immediately, either that night or first thing the next day. I'll send a personalized message referencing our conversation and suggesting a next step. It's simple, but it's effective.

Overwhelming Amount of Contacts with Minimal Depth

How do you know which connections are worth following up on? This is where quality trumps quantity. I go into every event with a few strategic questions in my back pocket. These aren't your standard "What do you do?". I'm talking about questions that quickly reveal whether this person aligns with my goals and values.

For example, I might ask, "What attracted you to tonight's content?" If they can't give me a thoughtful answer, that tells me they're not intentional about their networking. Or I'll ask, "How is this topic relevant to your work?" If they can't make that connection, we probably don't have much to discuss.

These questions serve as a filter. They help me identify the handful of people at any event who are worth my time for a follow-up. It's all about being efficient and effective.

Poor Behaviors and Lack of Etiquette

Professional etiquette plays a crucial role in networking, yet it's often overlooked. At many events, I observe behaviors that hinder effective relationship-building:

1. Interrupting conversations

2. Lack of attentiveness

3. Indiscriminate distribution of business cards

Perhaps the most detrimental behavior is constantly scanning the room for "more important" contacts while in conversation. This not only demonstrates disrespect but also undermines any potential for genuine connection.

These poor practices often stem from a misguided focus on quantity over quality. In their eagerness to meet as many people as possible, some individuals forget the fundamental principles of respectful interaction. Ironically, this approach often leads to fewer meaningful connections, not more.

To network effectively, we must return to the basics of professional courtesy:

1. Give undivided attention to the person you're speaking with

2. Listen actively

3. Show genuine interest in the conversation

These simple acts of professionalism can significantly enhance the quality of interactions and lead to more fruitful professional relationships.

Difficulty in Disengaging

One often overlooked networking skill is the ability to gracefully exit conversations. Many professionals find themselves trapped in unproductive discussions, unsure of how to politely disengage. This inability to move on can significantly hinder networking effectiveness.

To address this, I recommend developing a repertoire of exit strategies. For instance, you might say: "It's been great chatting. I want to catch a few more people before the event ends." "I see someone I need to touch base with. Enjoy the rest of the event!" "I'm going to refresh my drink. It was nice meeting you."

The key is to be polite but firm, ending the conversation definitively while maintaining professional courtesy.

Perpetuation of Ineffective Practices

Perhaps most concerning is how these ineffective networking practices are being perpetuated in educational institutions. Business schools often advise students to "go network, go to more networking events" without teaching them how to network effectively. This approach only serves to reinforce superficial, transactional interactions that prioritize quantity over quality.

By recognizing these issues, we can begin to shift our approach from ineffective "notworking" to building genuine, valuable professional relationships. In the next section, we'll explore strategies for effective relationship building that address these shortcomings and lead to more meaningful professional connections.

The Shift from Networking to Relationship Building

To overcome the shortcomings of traditional networking, we need to fundamentally change our approach. The goal should be to build meaningful relationships rather than simply collecting contacts. Here's how we can make this shift:

Focus on Quality Connections

Instead of trying to meet everyone in the room, concentrate on having substantive conversations with a select few. I typically aim to have meaningful interactions with 10 interesting people at an event. This approach allows for deeper engagement and increases the likelihood of forming valuable connections.

Aligning with Mutual Interests and Goals

Before attending any event, clarify your purpose for being there. Are you seeking to learn (content) or to meet specific types of people (community)? For example, I belong to the Harvard Business School Club of Atlanta, not because I'm a Harvard grad, but because they bring in compelling speakers and create intelligent discussions. This alignment ensures that the connections you make are more likely to be relevant to your professional goals.

Building Trust and Credibility Over Time

Relationship building is a long-term process. I gauge first-time interactions and early relationships over the next 30, 60, and 90 days. The first 30 days are a good indication of what you're going to get. Are they responsive? Do they add value? Do they introduce you to people? Do they deliver on their commitments? The first 90 days show exactly what you're going to get in the long run.

Creating Value for Others

Look for opportunities to help your new connections without expecting immediate returns. This could involve introducing them to someone in your network, sharing a relevant piece of insight, recommending a book, or suggesting another event. By focusing on what you can offer rather than what you can gain, you lay the groundwork for a mutually beneficial relationship.

Remember, the goal is to move from passive connections ("It's good to know about you") to proactive relationships where both parties actively seek opportunities to help each other. This shift in mindset and approach transforms networking from a transactional activity into a process of building a community of mutually supportive professionals.

The Role of Relationship Management Tools

Effective relationship management requires a systematic approach. The relationship value pyramid helps categorize connections based on strategic importance, from casual contacts to close allies. By using this concept, you can prioritize interactions, personalize communication, and nurture relationships more effectively.

While various tools exist, remember that they're only as good as your process. Develop a personal system that works for you, going beyond standard practices.

Moving Forward

Effective networking is about building meaningful relationships, not collecting contacts. To transform your approach:

1. Assess your current network, focusing on connections that align with your goals.

2. Implement a relationship-focused strategy, using targeted questions to identify valuable connections.

3. Practice disengaging from unproductive conversations—a challenging but crucial skill.

4. Consider tools like Avnir to streamline your relationship management efforts.

Building a strong professional network requires intention and consistent effort, but it's one of the most rewarding aspects of your career.

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